ANTI-PANTS | ANTI-POACHING
AntiPants – AntiPoaching
(19 January 2020)
STOP PETTING CUBS!
It amazes us how many people are eager to stop wildlife poaching in South Africa. They drum together in hoards to protest and collect money for conservation. It also amazes us how we can convince ourselves that it has nothing to do with people wanting to ride around in their undies… NOTHING!
This little event was sworn in with a few happy swearwords three years ago to cover up the fact that Skinny likes to wheelie around in skimpy outfits and goody high heels. We quickly found a worthy cause and went about like it’s our business raising funds for endangered wildlife, and in particular, species that are being hunted and poached to extinction. First the rhino, then the pangolin, and now – our mightiest and most cherished cat, who in exchange supports our no-pants movement by personally not wearing pants.
As per the usual, we had a pants mobile there to courier all the rider’s jeans to the end venue, thus ensuring nobody got arrested on their way to the starting point. Come with pants – leave with pants, for the rest… do as you please!
We’re the Tank Girls, we started this charity, we found it floating in a bottle of golden liquid. Olé!
The Anti-Pants event has grown each year, and every year we select a new animal in need of our protection. This year it was the king – the lion! We selected the Kevin Richardson foundation as our charity: https://kevinrichardsonfoundation.org/
The sanctuary’s goal is to minimize the number of large carnivores being kept in captivity and to highlight the direct link between the cub petting industry and the ‘canned’ hunting industry.
The most daring part of this drive is watching to see who’s gonna be the first person to unzip. From there, all you hear is the popping of buttons, and the clinking of belt buckles.
Well over a hundred rock star riders rolled up for the RAWRs this year. Like any of us really need a reason to take our pants off and go ride our bikes! But there we were, a thorough blend of Superbikers and Meerkats, Jägermeister-people and José Cuervo-people. A mouth-watering sight! There were the trusty alumni-AntiPanters, the nervous-newbies and some single-soulers, a golden ratio of Fire It Uppers to Firefighters, a select few Tank Girls. And Barbara! Sincerely, severely overwhelming.
Skinny had the pleasure of twisting the ear of the all new SWM! They have just arrived in South Africa and even though a few people softly mumbled ‘cheap-chinese’ – these are NOT! The SWM brand dates back to the late 70’s and early 80’s. They specialized in MX/trials orientated bikes back in the day. These bikes are still manufactured in Italy (in one of the old Husqvarna factories), and have style, quality and durability that only the mafia would query.
Much like panthera leo, the 650cc dual sport motorcycle also seems to be a dying breed. What was once everyone’s favourite piece of the pie is now just an empty plate of second-hand Japanese crumbs. It’s all about bloated riders on plus-sized “Super”-adventures where technology in bulk has replaced character and the good old-fashioned fun factor.
The SWM Superdual X is the only brand new 650 adventure bike you can buy in SA, and everybody knows how much we lurve our 650’s!
In Africa lions currently occupy less than 20% of their historical range and are declining rapidly. They are listed as ‘vulnerable’!
Our anti-pant pride of lionesses supporting the bigger kitties!
For all last year’s complainers about the girls still wearing too much… I present to you…
I had my hands full to get the guys to focus on our ride’s logistics.
“Charl, are you happy to see me, or is that a bookcase?”
Bikers are all about heavy-duty leathers and indestructible armour but hidden gently underneath are their soft gooey hearts, and also an array of irresistibly colourful trunks!
We didn’t think anyone would get stuck in a tree, but just in case, we had the FireFighters MC present.
Skinny did a quick welcome, the rules of pack riding, begging people to stop petting cubs, and a reminder to donate.
Cyril’s pride came out to have a look at the half nêkked commotion going on outside. We think they came out to ‘measure’ the situation!
South Africa has an estimated 2,300 lions in the wild, and 9,500 captive-bred lions. We have more lions behind bars, than we have lying under trees… We also just want to mention that captive lions CANNOT be re-wilded. Because these lions cannot be released back into the wild, it proves that the lion-breeding farms are not in it for conservation. Some of these places even post on their websites that they are a tourist facility and are under no obligation to support conservation; or even that they have a bond to repay… *I sort of understand the last statement – I’ve had to deal with some of the banks in SA before*
Time to ride!
Blindly they kept following us… if only they knew!!!
Captive-bred lions are eventually offered to be shot as trophies or slaughtered in masses to meet the demand of the international lion-bone trade. While it is prohibited to trade the bones of wild lions, you can smous with the carcasses of captive ones as you please. And I mean – everybody can clearly identify the bones of a captured lion vs. a wild lion! *I’m being sarcastic here*
That a market for the massacre of these mammals even exists is absolutely atrocious. Bloodthirsty sport hunters and egocentric Asians have audaciously extinguished a whole continent’s wild lions save for ±15,000 individuals. That’s it! That’s all Africa’s got left.
Girls wheeling through mid-city Pretoria in their panties. Sometimes dreams do come true!
With the expansion of the upper class in South East Asia and China, one can now find wealthy socialites offering lion bone wine and lion bone cake. *It goes well with doossoup*
A quick coffee at Magnolia Dell.
SA is the largest supplier of lion bones to the Asian markets. Our government approves 800 lion skeletons to be exported each year. Read that sentence again. They APPROVE it! But that’s not all… They also APPROVE 800 canned hunts each year. These are only the ‘legal’ hunts and exports. We didn’t even want to start digging into the black-market side of things.
When you’re still thinking he’s being all romantic and stuff…
Huckleberry’s were very accommodating to our rally of raggedy runts and provided the biological bean juice that many of us require for survival in the concrete jungle…
Donations started streaming in and Skinny ran out of pockets…
In the wild, lion cubs remain with their mothers for 18 months, and adult females don’t produce another litter for at least 15 to 24 months after giving birth. By contrast, cubs born on breeding farms are taken from their mothers when they are just a few days or even hours old, forcing the mother into an exhausting and continuous breeding cycle. The cubs are hand-reared by volunteers from around the globe paying thousands of dollars to do so. They are misled into believing the cubs are orphans.
A drive-by Fort Klapperkop.
Everybody was just hangin’!
But what does lion conservation have to do with prancing around town half-naked on motorbikes, you wonder?
Everything! It has everything to do with it. As bikers, we have an innate awareness that life is precious and short, and if there is any way we can save something that depends on us so desperately, we will do it. Like all the little kids in beer factories who’d be out of jobs if we didn’t drink all those pints!
90% of visitors to lion parks are lied to about why there are so many lion cubs; told that their mothers abandoned them. Lions must be the worst mothers on earth *being sarcastic again*. Paul Tully did a census on social media and found that 90% of visitors were told that the cubs were abandoned by their mothers. The other 10% stated that they either could not remember; were not told by the facility; or that they didn’t ask about the whereabouts of the cubs’ mothers…
No explicit nudity here – move along swiftly!
Hey guys, over here… hellooo… this side… KOEWEE!
Lion cubs are forcibly removed from their mothers – to feed what has become a lucrative cub petting industry. Some of these ‘parks’ have 6 cubs every day available for cuddles and selfies. When these cubs turn 4 months old, they are moved to the junior lion pens where the visitors can walk with them. When they get too old for this level of entertainment, they get moved to the senior lion pens. According to these parks, they never sell their lions to hunters and proclaim to look after their cubs till they naturally die. Considering that a lion lives about 15 years, these parks should have around 360 lions on their premises. They don’t!
These cuddle-c(l)ubs can’t / won’t explain where all the ‘missing’ lions go? Or maybe their maths just really-really sucks…
And the prize for the best in-flight twerking goes to – JONI!
The marshals had everyone under control – even the cyclists (under duress).
Through the day, people were comparing skin grafts and measuring riding scars and showing off some exquisite ink!
What we think of places that allow cub-petting.
Even the weather knew we were up to something good and those territorial rain clouds controlled their bladders until much later that afternoon. So, we had the perfect morning to ride around, raising some front wheels and eyebrows and a little awareness all at once.
While you were reading this, 3 lions were killed in canned hunting. Don’t worry, it was only 3… *my level of sarcasm has hit ‘professional’*
Wild lions are apex predators because they are outstanding hunters and occupy the top of the food chain. Bikers are apex hunters too which means we are also kinda wild and wonderful (having things in common makes people more likely to care about lions and their well-being. Jussayin’)
The SWM roars!
This bike also comes standard with cocktail BARS, disco LIGHTS, a flat SCREEN and a pretty decent RACK.
Obviously, the hunter’s fraternity denies all these claims mentioned above, and even though legal hunting operations do generate substantial revenue, it does not compare to the billions generated by tourists who come to Africa to watch wildlife. It’s not like they come here for our beautiful archipelago-beaches.
Our last stop was at Kearney’s in Broederstroom – the best pizza ever!
You get nervous when you over-hear a conversation at the AntiPants event:
“…this can get big!”
A hundred dudes and dudesses made the effort to show up, dress down, and donate a roaring R10,280 for wild lion prides to stay proudly wild.
“The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke
Peter asked that we take a photo of him fully clothed… just to make sure we’ll recognize him when we see him again.
First, you get them drunk…
Then, you take all their moolah…
Lastly, you let them nap…
The year scientists predict the total extinction of wild lions. We’ll be old by then, and we won’t tell our grandkids about the majestic lions that once roamed the African savanna… We’ll be too embarrassed.
Donations are still welcome!
Follow this link to donate to the Kevin Richardson foundation via the Anti-Pants drive:
Special thanks to all the easy tigers who helped marshal along the route, the photographers Edgar Hibbert and Hannelie van Schalkwyk, and Mike Kearney and Co for their hospitality and world-class pizza!
AntiPants – AntiPoaching; what started out as just a small demonstration is now, thanks to you all, a certified phenomenon!
CHIKITA PRODUCTIONS PRESENT:
This year we dropped our broeks in aid of the King of Africa – THE LION! More than 100 bikers rode around Pretoria in their skivvies. We entertained, we laughed, some might have even pee-ed their panties – but we collected over R10k for the Kevin Richardson foundation. Thanks to all the little pussies for saving the big pussies.
I really-really-really like that SWM… *nudge-nudge-wink-wink*
If you’re familiar with the rural concept of the honesty bar, this honesty newsletter ain’t much different… I’m a completely un-paid journalist, relying instead on readers using the honour system. You read the newsletter and then leave an amount you see fit for the entertainment you’ve received.
If you don’t find it particularly amusing, then you fork out NO dosh. I won’t stop sending you the letter – it is still mahala to those that count their coins and… I love sharing my stories.
As requested by my overseas readers, you can donate to this newsletter on my PayPal account: firstname.lastname@example.org
You can do an EFT transfer to the account below.
YouTube: Skinny van Schalkwyk